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Please Note the following change has been made to golfing with the schmucks.  If a player achieves schmuck status and then fails to appear for his or her schmuck match the following week said golfer shall be awarded 4 schmuck points in absentia.  This will occur even if said golfer does have a sub available as a replacement.
Golfing With The Stars Rules


Ralph promised “Golfing With The Stars” so we are going to have “Golfing With The Stars”.  How do we do “Golfing With The Stars”?  Well first off we needed to get some stars.  Ralph couldn’t even get a star from his third grade teacher, but I understand that he did get something else.  We tried contacting several stars and got some pretty strange answers.  Madonna couldn’t make it.  She is going to India to adopt a child.  We also heard rumors that she was having trouble with her home computer.  Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, and Nicole Ritchie all couldn’t make it.  Arnold Swartzenegger has a gig going in California and couldn’t make it. Shaquille O’Neal said that he would play but his golf clubs didn’t reach the ground. Tom Arnold called us and volunteered to come but we told him we were booked solid.


This means that we need to make our same old (I do mean old) regular golfers stars for a temporary period.  So you can become a star, and once are a star, you and your opponent for the week become eligible for “Golfing With The Stars” points.  The golfer with the most “Golfing With The Stars” points at the end of the year is the “Golfing With The Stars” champion.  Seems easy enough.


At this point you may say to yourself, “How can I become a Star”.  Easy enough to explain, all you need to do is shoot good.  The three golfers with lowest net score in week one, will be stars for week two.  Their week two matches will be “Golfing With The Stars” star point matches.  This means that if you can still win any points, after your handicap has been punished for you playing well, they count as “Golfing With The Stars” points.  You are eligible to win four points and your opponent or opponents are also eligible to win four points.  If you opponents do not show up for your match you win one GWTS point automatically and can win up to three more by matching cards But I honestly cannot imagine someone not wanting to play nine holes with a star like you?


So if you are say Charlie, you might ask yourself “How can I, Charlie, rig this thing so that I get the most points and win this stupid thing?”.  The answer is that you really can’t.  Some golfers will have multiple “Golfing With The Stars” matches while other golfers may not have any.  The only way that you can make sure that you have a “Golfing With The Stars” match is by winning low net.  Keep in mind that if you win low net your handicap is going to look like the stock index.  This will make it hard for you to win “Golfing With The Stars” points.


Now the only other thing that I can image someone asking is what happens if two stars play each other.  The correct answer is that they are playing in a “Double Star Golfing with the Stars Match”.  In this case the points will be not be doubled as you might expect to help keep everyone else in the competition. Each star will be eligible to win as many as four GWTS points.


So the rules in a nutshell are:

1.      A minimum of three golfers with the lowest net scores will become stars and play in GWTS matches the following week.

2.      In the event of low net ties we will have more than three stars the following week.

3.      Star status will only last one week, unless you again place in the top three in low net.

4.      Stars and their opponents are the only ones eligible to win GWTS points.

5.      If a star cannot play his or her match the following week, all GWTS are forfeited unless Tom Arnold shows up uninvited.

6.      GWTS points are awarded according to league rules of play for match and stroke play.

7.      If two stars are playing each other the following week GWTS point totals will not be double.

8.      Stars for each week will be identified on the weekly standings and schedule.

9.      GWTS point totals will also be recorded and published right here on this web page.

Golfing With The Schmucks Rules

The golfing with the schmucks rules are basically the inverse of the golfing with the stars rules.

Each week we will identify a minimum of three players with the highest net score from the previous week.

If you are playing against a schmuck, or if you happen to be a schmuck, then you are playing for schmuck

points.  If you win your match you don't get the schmuck points, because the object here is not to

be a schmuck.  If you lose you accumulate schmuck points and the individual with the greatest number

of schmuck points at the end of the regular season will be our Golfing with the Schmucks champion.

Which is truly not an honor.  You will get recognized at the wrap up Tournament but not in a good way.

In fact it is most likely that you won't even be there because it might be hard to find people willing

to play with the Schmuck champion.

One thing to remember is that schmuck points will not have a negative impact on your star points.  If you are

playing in a match for both star and schmuck points it will be possible to split the match and get 2 schmuck points

and 2 star points at the same time.  But the real thing here is to remember not to be a schmuck and if you

are playing in a schmuck match you really should try to win it.